


Never Enough (pt 2)

by KuudereEva



Series: Emo Rap 💔 [6]
Category: Hip Hop RPF, Lil Peep (Musician) RPF, Lil Uzi Vert (Musician) RPF, Music RPF, Playboi Carti (Musician) RPF, Pop Music RPF
Genre: Best Friends, Body Dysphoria, Cake Bites, Caring, Developing Friendships, Dysphoria, Everyone Has Issues, Everyone Is Gay, FTM, Facetime, Friendship/Love, FtM Lil Peep | Gustav Ahr, FtM Lil Uzi Vert, Gay Lil Uzi Vert, Gay Playboi Carti, Gender Dysphoria, I Don't Even Know, Lil Uzi Vert - Freeform, Lil Uzi Vert Feels My Pain, M/M, Mirrors, Past Relationship(s), Playboi Carti - Freeform, Projecting my terrible thoughts onto rappers, Self Confidence, Self Confidence Issues, Self-Acceptance, Self-Doubt, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Harm, Self-Indulgent, Species Dysphoria, Suicide Attempt, Swearing, The Adventure Zone-Typical Swearing, Trans, Trans Character, Trans Male Character, ftm character, transgender male, vent - Freeform, vent fic, venting
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-21
Updated: 2020-08-21
Packaged: 2021-03-06 14:12:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,386
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26030182
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KuudereEva/pseuds/KuudereEva
Summary: part two of my vent ficLil Uzi Vert’s been feeling dysphoric recently, but his boyfriend Playboi Carti is on his Die Lit tour, leaving him with his friends Frank Ocean, Juice WRLD, and Lil PeepAfter some self hatred and acceptance, Carti finally comes back, and Symere improves a lot and such.I don’t know why I made a part 2, but enjoy. Vent fic from the back of my mind. Enjoy.
Relationships: Lil Uzi Vert | Symere Woods/Jarad Higgins | Juice Wrld, Lil Uzi Vert | Symere Woods/Playboi Carti | Jordan Carter
Series: Emo Rap 💔 [6]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1796929
Kudos: 6





	Never Enough (pt 2)

**Author's Note:**

> part two to this other fic. i don’t know why I wrote this but I projected my feelings onto lil uzi because I don’t know who else to do it for.

A small figure sniveled and shuffled in his bed. 

Why did he feel dysphoric again? He lived with his best friend and boyfriend Playboi Carti, or Jordan Carter more personally. He was an amazing boyfriend who always made him feel special regardless of what genitals he had at the moment. 

However, Jordan had left him for his Die Lit tour, leaving him alone with all his other friends and such. Gus, Jarad, and (definitely the most responsible of the bunch) Frank were good mates, sure, but of course they didn’t know about Symere. They thought he was just a normal, cis, self confident man who had taken the world by storm with Eternal Atake just a few months ago.

It’s been only a day without him, but it was terrible already. Symere had his time of the month, the worst part about not transitioning. He had to look at himself each day and keep it a secret from everything and everybody. He woke up feeling extremely sad. Stumbling up to the bathroom, he leans on the mirror and looks at himself. Something had happened…his chest looked…bigger? Deep breaths and total shock rose through his body, he ran to the scale and started to hyperventilate as the numbers clocked in. Five. More. Pounds. Five. He shook his head, crying more at the red stain on his black pants. It took no time at all for him to reach for his phone and call up Jordan. 

He quickly punched in the number with shaky hands, as he pressed call and shook even more. His stomach twisted and dropped, he swore he heard voices until there was a small knock at his door. 

“NO! GO AWAY!” He couldn’t control himself, he didn’t care who he hurt. However, Jordan had picked up the phone. 

“Symere? Sy?”

His hair had also been growing longer, when his dreads touched his neck a sharp gasp rose out again, and a soft cry let loose.

“N-No, wait...baby, I don't know what’s going on, but you need to breath , just breathe, you can do it. I love you.”

Jordan made his breathing audible into the phone, trying to get him to match it again. Slow intakes and sharp exhales made his head feel more balanced. 

“Shit, there’s still nine days left. I have to do this. I really hope you’ll understand…” Jordan hung up without any other words, leaving Sy just a bit disappointed. Well, they both had things that they needed to do, I suppose.

Around an hour passed, Sy had cried himself out until he felt numb. His face was dark red, eyes were swollen and he trembled and shivered. He just wanted to die, he needed somebody, but of course he was g-

The knock returned. This time the person came right in, it was actually Gus to his surprise. “Is it alright if I come in?”

Symere tipped his head, quite unsure. He didn’t know if he could trust him, you can’t just go around and tell your problems to random people. “I understand what’s going on, you aren’t alone in this…” Yeah right, that literally wouldn’t make him feel better.

Until Gus started taking off his shirt, making Sy retaliate in fear. He couldn’t just look at a cis guy and feel okay with it, he was violating him, he didn’t want this, he should stop—

Gus had a binder on.

His weak smile was enough to make Symere beam back at him.  
“W-Wait, y-you too?” Gus had started to tuck his shirt back in, placing his hand on his shoulder. “Yes, I want you to know you aren’t alone, I can help you. I think I have an extra binder somewhere around here. “Here, let’s just go to my room to look…” His hand was grabbed, leading him to the highly radioactive pink metal landscape that was Gus’s room. “You can say anything you want, I’ll listen…” He was really tempted to tell him everything. About how he wanted to stop wanting to die all the time and just be born a normal man. 

He went on and on. About how he didn’t want to stick a needle in his leg each week, he didn’t want to have to get surgery to get his chest passable, he hated having to use strap ons during sex so he wouldn’t feel like a distant freak. Even if he got surgery, maybe it would make him happy but he always secretly knew that he’s never be happy with the body he had. 

That one thought truly terrified him. He just wanted to be happy. Was that too much to ask? He fell to his knees and began crying loudly as his heart raced. He was just a baby, a stupid baby girl who couldn’t even get through a day without breaking down. The door opened again, now everyone was in the room with him. Wow, everybody was there to see him cry and break again. Fuckin Juice Wrld and Frank Ocean were now going to see him like this, and now they would now. He was a dumb tr—ny, not the badass 4-Wheeler driver, the sex god and crack smoker everyone knew him as. He continued to thrash around, filled to the brim with anger and sadness.

He was aware of some binding on his arms, he presumed that Jarad and Frank were trying to hold him down. The arms didn’t stop holding him back, so he let himself go limp with a sigh. 

“Sy, it’s alright, we’re right here…”

He sobbed in reply, the words tricking him into thinking this was Jordan. Arms immediately clung around his body, but he was met with a stronger scent and figure than what he was used to, reminding him of strong weed and motorbikes. 

“Oh...uhm I’ll just let you…” Jarad was red and flustered already. Sy nodded and blushed a bit. Oh right, Jordan wasn’t here but he supposed this could work for him.

His breathing was still rather quick, but he was aware of somebody’s hands on his back, rubbing in circles. 

“Come on, just break with me lil man, you can do it…” Frank’s voice whispered and reached the back of his neck. “Deep breath in, deep break out…”

“What happened Renji? It’s okay to tell us, none of us will judge you for it..” The smile on his face was so genuine he nearly cried again just looking at him.

Another deep sigh came from him “I was…was…waking up…I missed Jordan a bit but it wasn’t much…I was b-bleeding from there…and my body got curvier….and I knew that Jordan wouldn’t love me if I was like this…” He took a breath out and started to sit up a bit. 

“Symere…” Gus was above him now, looking down. “Carts is gonna love you no matter what. He didn’t fall in love with you because of your looks...which are quite dashing by the way….but he loves your personality! He doesn’t care if you have curves or if you want to get surgery! He needs you, he’d be dead without you! Have some confidence in yourself!” 

Symere knew he had to stop being so weird. Falling limp, he sighs and turns to his side. 

“T-Thank you...everyone...I really care about you all as well..” he yawned quite softly, he was tired from doing absolutely nothing.”

“We all do. Just come to us, we can help you get a binder and everything…”

The three all knew that he would have more episodes like this, but the smiles they exchanged signaled to each other that they could help him together. 

“Do you want to call Carts? He just got off his gig…” The immediate nod was expected from just about everyone in the whole room. Jarad handed him his phone quickly, and within seconds he could see the one he would die for.

“Oh Sy, I’m so sorry I wasn’t here for you baby, you’re always going to be mine, you’re always going to be cute and funny and lovable and an asshole, and oh...you’re just perfect!” Even through the screen, he could see the genuine emotion in Jordan’s eyes. 

“I trust you, I like me too, at least sometimes…” He softly giggled, pulling his knees to his chest. His makeshift bandages began to come undone. 

Jordan sighed “Please, just take one of Gus’s old binders. They’re going to get infected…” He still looked at him with a strong love that he couldn’t hide even when he was annoyed. 

He nodded but rolled his eyes as well. “Here, take this...and you can change in J’s room. Be sure to come back to us soon!” Gus handed him a black binder, it looked absolutely perfect...

Knowing that he had people who cared about him was everything to him. But it didn’t change that he was Syb-Symere Woods, and that was fine, just for the moment. He was somehow still the man that Playboi Carti himself loved, and that many others obsessed over. Would it all be the same if he came out?

Juice’s room was disgusting and messy, littered with clothes and gay porn magazines. It felt like a closet of its own, at least it was sealed away from everyone. He closed his eyes, fumbling with the restraint, until it was on. It was on.

It wasn’t exactly comfortable, but it was a lot better than anything he had done before. 

He stepped out of the room, a smile stuck on his face. When he looked down, he was flat. Literally perfect. The faces of the rest were obviously shocked, but smiles and encouragement were returned. 

“Sy, I’m so proud of you! You’re amazing! Jordan’s going to love it!” Gus hugged him tightly, giving him a second binder in his own hands. Jarad redialed Jordan, and put him on the line. 

“Baby, you look so perfect, I can’t wait til I get home and— oh yes, the rest are still here, hah…!” Sy blushed and shut off the call. All was well, he had friends who supported him.  
~  
~  
~

“Sy, baby I’m home!”

“A-Ah…!” Sy had been gazing into the mirror, confidence starting to dial down as the week went on. At least he was home, he was about to be near Jordan, finally comfortable after all the struggle. 

“Renji? Where is ya? I gotcha something?”

His voice was a blessing, yet a curse together. Tears had fallen from his cheeks and he knew that Jordan couldn’t see him like this. He would think that he cut again, or was insecure again or something or someth-

Pulling his shirt back on, he bit his lip and tried to stay calm. He wasn’t upset about his body again, he didn’t even know what was going on!

Before he could step out, the door opened by itself. The tall figure of Jordan had met him first. Sy screamed out and he jumped out of his skin.

It had begun to rain. The bathroom window was being viciously pounded with heavy drops of rain, thunder crackling as well. 

“Oh my god, Renji, I didn’t mean to scare you like that!” He set down what he was holding, immediately placing his hands onto his shoulders. Symere let out a sob, but almost instantaneously after he yelped “Wait, I’m fine, I’m fine, everything is alright and fine I swear you just scared me—“

He was worried that he’d shatter again, he backed from Jordan’s arms but held his hands with one, the other wiping his forehead. Sliding to the ground, he pats the ground next to him motioning for him to sit down next to him.

“Dysphoria…is terrible, ya know? It’s not bad today, but I just really wondered if you liked me in the binder...or if you liked the things I had…”. He snuggled into his side, the rain in his coat cooling him but making him sneeze softly.

“I agree, ya okay now? And by the way, I love the way you look. It’s perfect.” Jordan squeezed his hand and smiled. 

“Ah, I’m alright, just been swinging up and down like normal…” He yawned and let his head fall to Jordan’s shoulder “I’ve been able to power through and ignore this, but it’s not the easiest, if I say so…”

“Renji, there’s no need to apologize to me, there’s nothing wrong with feeling like that, but like I’ve said many times, there’s no need to hide anything…” his laugh was soft, but very sincere. His smile was the sunshine to warm him, but his laugh was the   
breeze that stilled him and truly took him by awe.

“Oh yea..” he turned away, but returned moments later with a bag. “I gotchu something…think you’ll like it…” Inside was a huge bag of cake bites. 

“W-Wait...you didn’t….” Sy gasped, eyes glowing already. 

“Oh, of course, how could I just pass up on this?” Jordan took a pack and clumsily ripped it open. 

“In all seriousness, I’d be dead without you…” Symere mumbled, holding the pack close to him like it was the world to him, well, because it was. He felt soft and fond, and wow, he didn’t care about his body for once. 

“Anytime, Renji. Up for a taste?” He winked and set aside the empty bag. 

“O-oh, of course, I can’t pass this up…” He smiled brightly, leaning forward. 

Jordan obviously took control of the kiss, bringing Sy’s head closer and closer, daring to slide his tongue in as well, leaning into him, even moaning a bit as the moment was shared.

“Mmphm…,you’re so perfect, just amazing…” They pulled apart after a while, still panting and red in the face. “Well, there goes my appetite for cake bites for a while~”

Something within him seemed to heal, he bust out laughing along with Jordan seconds after, the brokenness inside finally disappeared.

He was still short, round, and curvy, his hair a bit too long for his liking, but he couldn’t feel wrong, he had love in his body and Jordan’s hand in his. Healing was right next to him, soon to be falling asleep to a free chest and no regrets at all. 

For now, he felt pretty great.

**Author's Note:**

> wish I had friends like uzi has juice, peep, and frank ocean in this story  
> next story out on my birthday, august 30th


End file.
